Death Sentence

I returned from Europe the evening of September 5th (I'll fill in the blanks later) and September 6th my Dad was admitted to the ICU. I was told by my space cadet step-mother that he'd had a bad fall fixing a light bulb and his leg was just really banged up. Then I thought why the ICU - well maybe because of all the blood in his leg and he's anemic. So I was told not to worry, so I didn't. Monday afternoon I was fed up with the irking feeling that I was missing some major info so my brother and I skipped out of work and headed to the hospital.

Let me tell you if you've never experienced this - nothing can prepare you for walking in to the ICU to find your 54 year old father (now 55 on sept 24th) laying in a hospital bed all hooked up to things and looking like he has not just one foot in the grave, but the other one too save a for maybe his big toe. This is the part where emotional me is supposed to melt and cry and go sit and hold my poor Daddy's hand, but my brother took that road and I immediately demanded to speak with his doctor, nurse, whatever - I wanted some fucking answers. You don't look like THAT from a banged up leg.

I thought the shock of seeing my Dad lying there hit me hard but it was a whisper of a breeze compared to the blow that hit me next. "Your father has cirrhosis, and if he doesn't stop drinking he will die. He has bleeding, blah blah blah...." I think that was where my ears started ringing and I stopped listening. Ok, now this may sound like denial but its not... my Dad may have drank too much, but he was no drunk. What I call a functioning alcoholic. Alcoholic is a dirty dirty word, but alas at this point it didnt really matter what got him in this position because he was here now and the damage has been done.

Ok, so what now? Well cirrhosis can cause bleeding varices which are these delicate veins in your throat and stomach and they can rupture and bleed. Cirrhosis inhibits your ability to clot properly so you can see how this can be problematic. Well so they said they'd go in make sure all was well and dandy, get his blood count back up and send him home. The rest was up to him.

A few days later he went home and a few days after that my brother and I went to the house and made sure all was well. He had stopped drinking from what he said and what we could tell. Naive? maybe, but you can only hope that he was telling the truth. And he was.

So, life started to go back to normal. I was calling daily to make sure he was ok and to let him know that I loved him. Then it was the day before his 55th bday and I thought we'd go out there and hang out with him. He called the night prior and said he wasn't feeling well and not to come. Another time would be better. Fair enough - he'd been through a lot. I was worried, but not scared. Then, Thursday his wife called and said he wouldn't get up, conscious but disoriented and lethargic. I convinced her to call for help and she did and he refused to go.. to make a long story short my brother went over there and dragged him kicking and screaming to the ER. Good thing too, because too much longer and he could have gone in to a coma.

My father now had hepatic encelopathy- which is caused by an extreme amount of ammonia in your system that your liver has failed to metabolize. This makes a person basically temporarily demented until they either get it flushed out or go into a coma and die. I preferred the former. So back into the ICU Dad went this time he didn't have a clue for days - all he knew was that he wanted to go home. Not for another week would he return.

Then came the really really bad news. I spoke with his Dr and she said that they expected him back but not this soon and that the damage was worse than they thought. Also note that he had not been drinking - which also could have caused this but was not the case. I dont know if that makes this better or more tragic. The liver is huge and a very very crucial part of the overall function of the rest of our bodies. When its been compromised a lot and I mean A LOT can go south FAST!

His Dr told me that he would come out of this and get better and go home, but it would only be a matter of time before he would come back and then he'd recover again but maybe not as much and the cycle will continue like this until the damage is too great and he passes away. My father has end-stage liver disease and it is very likely that he will not live til my 25th birthday which is May 18th.

I thought writing about this would be therapeutic but it wasn't. Just made it feel more real. Good thing only one person I know has the knowledge that this blog exists....

I would give him part of mine if they'd let me.