I think in last few weeks, month maybe, I've started to learn a lot more about myself, what I want to do, whats really important in life, and when to say enough is enough.
A while back I wrote an entry about my Dad, and that he was dying. Well I guess thats partially true. I mean we are all dying aren't we. (my thats glass half empty isnt it?). Originally the Doc thought 6 months at best due to his condition at the time, but he was really quite healthy and managed to stay out of the hospital for quite some time. A few months ago, around my birthday, he started another downhill journey. Thanks to my fucking insane stepmother, he's now in a nursing home. 55 years old and in a nursing home. She claims she cant take care of him so his Doc "prescribed" a nursing home. He's been there for a week and I've been there almost every day to see him. The first day I was there I was a MESS. He told me he felt so alone, betrayed and abandoned and cried. It was almost too much to take. I brought my Mom with me that day (his ex-wife) which he actually seemed to like. I think it made him feel comforted that the person in his life the should care the least, actually really cares a lot.
The point of all of this is that it made me realize that it really is never too late to make amends, or tell people how you feel. Life is too damn short to keep it all bottled up. You never know when you're going to get your last chance. I hope that my Dad continues to get better and they get him the new liver that he needs, but if he doesnt at least I'll know I made the most of what time he has left.
There are other people in my life, ok one in particular, that I wish would realize how short life is and that needing people or letting them see your weaknesses is ok. But you can't change people. People can change, but they have to do it on their own. I just have to learn to find peace in the fact that I've done and said everything that I can to let them know I care. If you love something let it go right.....
I've mentioned a lot lately that I don't really like what I'm doing anymore, that it feels meaningless. Well, after spending a few days in a nursing home surrounded by people that need people it made me realize what direction to maybe head in. No, I dont want to be a nurse or anything, but I want to help people in some way. I just have to figure out how. Not everyone is as lucky as my Dad to have people come see him everyday. So as I'm walking around doing things for my Dad, people are always asking me to grab this or that, call a nurse or something, and to see the insanely grateful look on someone's face when all you did was change the channel for them is really something.
I never thought I could handle all of this, but I seem to be, not sure how, but I am. My Mom keeps telling what a wonderful woman I've turned into. I guess I just think, why wouldnt I go see my Dad every day that I can. It just feels like a no brainer. If that makes me wonderful, well then I guess I am. I just see it as being a good daughter for my Dad.
2 comments:
its really sad that people are forgetting values and that we are human beings in the first place,
Hope it goes well with your dad and you.
Kaylie, :( My heart breaks for you. Gosh, that must be really hard to see your young dad in a home. It's absolutely nuts. I know what you mean when you hear people telling you what a good person you are for visiting a loved one everyday. It's sort of like, "wouldn't anyone do that?" Anyway, I still think you're a great daughter for doing it because I realized living in the hospital with Alan that not everyone has daughters like you! And I'm glad you have Ollie to lean on. He seems like he's gonna be a loyal one for sure.
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