I think in last few weeks, month maybe, I've started to learn a lot more about myself, what I want to do, whats really important in life, and when to say enough is enough.
A while back I wrote an entry about my Dad, and that he was dying. Well I guess thats partially true. I mean we are all dying aren't we. (my thats glass half empty isnt it?). Originally the Doc thought 6 months at best due to his condition at the time, but he was really quite healthy and managed to stay out of the hospital for quite some time. A few months ago, around my birthday, he started another downhill journey. Thanks to my fucking insane stepmother, he's now in a nursing home. 55 years old and in a nursing home. She claims she cant take care of him so his Doc "prescribed" a nursing home. He's been there for a week and I've been there almost every day to see him. The first day I was there I was a MESS. He told me he felt so alone, betrayed and abandoned and cried. It was almost too much to take. I brought my Mom with me that day (his ex-wife) which he actually seemed to like. I think it made him feel comforted that the person in his life the should care the least, actually really cares a lot.
The point of all of this is that it made me realize that it really is never too late to make amends, or tell people how you feel. Life is too damn short to keep it all bottled up. You never know when you're going to get your last chance. I hope that my Dad continues to get better and they get him the new liver that he needs, but if he doesnt at least I'll know I made the most of what time he has left.
There are other people in my life, ok one in particular, that I wish would realize how short life is and that needing people or letting them see your weaknesses is ok. But you can't change people. People can change, but they have to do it on their own. I just have to learn to find peace in the fact that I've done and said everything that I can to let them know I care. If you love something let it go right.....
I've mentioned a lot lately that I don't really like what I'm doing anymore, that it feels meaningless. Well, after spending a few days in a nursing home surrounded by people that need people it made me realize what direction to maybe head in. No, I dont want to be a nurse or anything, but I want to help people in some way. I just have to figure out how. Not everyone is as lucky as my Dad to have people come see him everyday. So as I'm walking around doing things for my Dad, people are always asking me to grab this or that, call a nurse or something, and to see the insanely grateful look on someone's face when all you did was change the channel for them is really something.
I never thought I could handle all of this, but I seem to be, not sure how, but I am. My Mom keeps telling what a wonderful woman I've turned into. I guess I just think, why wouldnt I go see my Dad every day that I can. It just feels like a no brainer. If that makes me wonderful, well then I guess I am. I just see it as being a good daughter for my Dad.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
the Valet
I am currently sitting at my desk at work. Behind me are two VERY large windows and beyond those windows is an ever increasing amount of fog and now we're hearing sirens. Super. Not to worry though, the tornados are South of us. Storms dont really scare me, but then again, I'm not thrilled about going outside in them to get home.
But thats not why I wrote this blog today. I wanted to review the movie I watched this weekend.
I don't if foreign films are just inherently better or if its the allure of the French speaking people or what. All I can say is that I thoroughly enjoyed this movie, but I think that if it had been in English it would have been a complete waste of 85 minutes of my life. I guess you can decide for yourself. Its a tale of a valet at a fancy French restaurant that ends up as a part of a scandal simply because he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. Suddenly he finds himself getting paid to "date" a supermodel which drives his valet driving buddy mad. Although the best part of the film is the family Dr that usually ends up getting treated on his house calls instead of treating his patients. Its a silly side story, but clever.
The other thing with Foreign films is that you find yourself not even really reading the subtitles or at least forget you are reading them. Kind of like when you read a book and you're so deeply in to it that there are no longer words on the page.
Anyway, if you're perusing the new releases at the video store and realize that everything is crap. Head over to the foreign film section and grab something that looks interesting. Another good one is, "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly." Much darker but the cinematography is amazing and somewhat dizzying. Its an interesting story of the editor of French Vogues' battle with "locked-in syndrome."
Well, I'm off to brave the storm for a whole 2 blocks home. Seems like a good night to pop in a movie and have a glass of vino. I think I might do just that!
But thats not why I wrote this blog today. I wanted to review the movie I watched this weekend.
I don't if foreign films are just inherently better or if its the allure of the French speaking people or what. All I can say is that I thoroughly enjoyed this movie, but I think that if it had been in English it would have been a complete waste of 85 minutes of my life. I guess you can decide for yourself. Its a tale of a valet at a fancy French restaurant that ends up as a part of a scandal simply because he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. Suddenly he finds himself getting paid to "date" a supermodel which drives his valet driving buddy mad. Although the best part of the film is the family Dr that usually ends up getting treated on his house calls instead of treating his patients. Its a silly side story, but clever.
The other thing with Foreign films is that you find yourself not even really reading the subtitles or at least forget you are reading them. Kind of like when you read a book and you're so deeply in to it that there are no longer words on the page.
Anyway, if you're perusing the new releases at the video store and realize that everything is crap. Head over to the foreign film section and grab something that looks interesting. Another good one is, "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly." Much darker but the cinematography is amazing and somewhat dizzying. Its an interesting story of the editor of French Vogues' battle with "locked-in syndrome."
Well, I'm off to brave the storm for a whole 2 blocks home. Seems like a good night to pop in a movie and have a glass of vino. I think I might do just that!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Five and Twenty
Last week I turned 25 years old... or should I say 25 years young? I can remember a time when I was much much younger, lets say 7 or 8, that I couldn't even fathom what it would be like to turn 16, go to high school & college! And now, here I am, a quarter of a century old and I have no idea where any of it went. Time is a funny funny thing. In the last decade I've gone from Freshman in Highschool, Freshmen in College, Legal Drinking age, college Graduate, SEVERAL apartments. What will the next decade bring (besides my 30s?). So now what?
Getting older doesn't really scare me anymore.. well not the aging part anyway. What scares me is that I'm going to be too afraid to do what I really want in life. Not that I hate my profession, but it just doesnt satisfy me. I feel like I'm meant to do more and I'm afraid I'll settle. There just has to be more to my life then getting up, going to work, working out, wash rinse repeat. That cant be it for me. Anything worth doing in life is never easy.. or so they say. I've been thinking about that a lot lately and have some thoughts.. but thats enough to fill a whole other entry.
Presently, I am in the process of moving in to my very first one bedroom apartment. My first time with out a roommate. No one to answer to (or pick up after) but myself. I promised myself a long long time ago that I would live alone at least once before I moved in with a boyfriend/fiance whatever. My boyfriend thought I was kinda being silly mostly for practical reasons, such as why the hell would I want to pay rent when I could live with him virtually rent free?? Tempting, yes, but it is just something I had to do.
Well, mute point now because the jerkface dumped me 2 days after my birthday!!! Just a few days before the 1/2 marathon we'd been training for ($65 down the drain for this girl) and just over a week before he was set to be my muscle to help me move to my new place. So I had to rent a Uhaul and try and find some strong guys besides my brother to help me move the heavy stuff. Lucky for me I have really awesome friends that always step up when it counts.
People keep telling me that he couldnt have meant that much to me because I'm not wreck like I was with Greg. Well thats a lame comparison. Besides, I've learned that moping around, crying, and drinking excessively do absolutely nothing to help. Yes, I miss Jeremy terribly and I still am so beyond confused, but what can I do? Nothing. I hope he pulls his head out of his ass and realizes how stupid he's being, but maybe he never will or maybe he really just had a change of heart. Either way it is out of my hands.
I've been so busy and stressed that I havent even had a chance to really grieve the death of my relationship. The relationship that I thought was THE relationship. One day he was talking about letting me pick out decor for his remodeled basement since Id be living there too, eventually, and telling me that he loves me and then BAM!!! This doesn't feel right anymore? I believe the words that came out of my mouth were literally, "what the hell kind of crack did you smoke when you woke up this morning?" I could not believe what was happening. I'm sure somewhere between hanging my new curtains and organizing my kitchen it will hit me and I'll curl up in the corner, with a glass of wine, and cry. Until that happens... I will just have to keep pushing on.
Look forward to pictures of my new place soon! Oh and pray (dont care who you pray to) that my couch fits up the stairs and in the door.
Ciao!
Getting older doesn't really scare me anymore.. well not the aging part anyway. What scares me is that I'm going to be too afraid to do what I really want in life. Not that I hate my profession, but it just doesnt satisfy me. I feel like I'm meant to do more and I'm afraid I'll settle. There just has to be more to my life then getting up, going to work, working out, wash rinse repeat. That cant be it for me. Anything worth doing in life is never easy.. or so they say. I've been thinking about that a lot lately and have some thoughts.. but thats enough to fill a whole other entry.
Presently, I am in the process of moving in to my very first one bedroom apartment. My first time with out a roommate. No one to answer to (or pick up after) but myself. I promised myself a long long time ago that I would live alone at least once before I moved in with a boyfriend/fiance whatever. My boyfriend thought I was kinda being silly mostly for practical reasons, such as why the hell would I want to pay rent when I could live with him virtually rent free?? Tempting, yes, but it is just something I had to do.
Well, mute point now because the jerkface dumped me 2 days after my birthday!!! Just a few days before the 1/2 marathon we'd been training for ($65 down the drain for this girl) and just over a week before he was set to be my muscle to help me move to my new place. So I had to rent a Uhaul and try and find some strong guys besides my brother to help me move the heavy stuff. Lucky for me I have really awesome friends that always step up when it counts.
People keep telling me that he couldnt have meant that much to me because I'm not wreck like I was with Greg. Well thats a lame comparison. Besides, I've learned that moping around, crying, and drinking excessively do absolutely nothing to help. Yes, I miss Jeremy terribly and I still am so beyond confused, but what can I do? Nothing. I hope he pulls his head out of his ass and realizes how stupid he's being, but maybe he never will or maybe he really just had a change of heart. Either way it is out of my hands.
I've been so busy and stressed that I havent even had a chance to really grieve the death of my relationship. The relationship that I thought was THE relationship. One day he was talking about letting me pick out decor for his remodeled basement since Id be living there too, eventually, and telling me that he loves me and then BAM!!! This doesn't feel right anymore? I believe the words that came out of my mouth were literally, "what the hell kind of crack did you smoke when you woke up this morning?" I could not believe what was happening. I'm sure somewhere between hanging my new curtains and organizing my kitchen it will hit me and I'll curl up in the corner, with a glass of wine, and cry. Until that happens... I will just have to keep pushing on.
Look forward to pictures of my new place soon! Oh and pray (dont care who you pray to) that my couch fits up the stairs and in the door.
Ciao!
Monday, April 13, 2009
..::ONCE::..
Easter came and went. My brother made a yummy vegetable risotto, I made roasted leeks with bacon cooked over the top to hold in all the fab flavors, and my mom made strawberry shortcake and some beef. She insisted we need a protein. Anyway. In an effort to please my Mom, I also went to church Sunday morning. My boyfriend asked me if I started on fire or if my eyes were burning. HA. Very Funny. But no. Its not that I have a problem with religion - to each their own. I just hate sitting there for an hour while we all sing the same boring songs (out of tune to boot) and feeling uncomfortable.
But I digrees...
Last night after they left my apartment, and I had all the dishes done, I poured myself one last glass of vino and watched the movie, "Once". Its a story about an Irish street performer and a Czech pianist. They decide to get together and record an album before he goes off to London to try and get famous. The music is absolutely gorgeous. My favorite is, "If You Want Me." I highly recommend the movie and the soundtrack. If you go on to itunes its either, Once (music from the motion picture) or there is an album that Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova put out called "The Swell Season."
But I digrees...
Last night after they left my apartment, and I had all the dishes done, I poured myself one last glass of vino and watched the movie, "Once". Its a story about an Irish street performer and a Czech pianist. They decide to get together and record an album before he goes off to London to try and get famous. The music is absolutely gorgeous. My favorite is, "If You Want Me." I highly recommend the movie and the soundtrack. If you go on to itunes its either, Once (music from the motion picture) or there is an album that Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova put out called "The Swell Season."
Monday, April 6, 2009
I Think We're Alone Now....
....There Doesn't Seem to be Anyone Around!
Starting June 1st, I will be the sole occupant of a 1 Bedroom apartment! My very first, very own place! While I absolutely love my apartment now, 7th floor, lake view, lots of sun, balcony (ok now im sad), it's time that I have a place of my own. I've been on the receiving end of "roommate breakup" a few times, but it was a lot harder than I thought. How do I tell someone that I am moving out with out hurting their feelings, or will they even care? Well, turns out she kinda saw it coming and we opened a bottle of Beujolais and went on with our evening.
My roommate is a night owl and while I like to go out and have a good time, I find myself craving sleep more. I could be unrealistic and whine that it is all her fault, that she's inconsiderate, but in truth, we are just two different. I can't expect her to go to bed and not watch TV til 2am because its the only time she has, but she can't expect me to continue to live in a place where I can't get a decent nights' sleep.
Another, slightly further from the point, reason is the possibility of living with a guy in the near future. I have always said that no matter what if I am ever going to move in with a boyfriend, fiance, whatever, that I MUST live alone first. My Dad and I were discussing this over the phone the other day and he was very excited about my new place and agreed that living completely on your own is necessary for some people and is kinda of a self discovery sort of venture.
Back to the new place - while it is not nearly as light and beautiful as the place I live now I am quite excited about one thing, ok two things... a kitchen that will allow me to cook with out running out of places to put things. A medium size kitchen table will fit too! AND, what this place lacks in sq. footage and sun light it makes up for in closet space. This place has 4 or 5 closets (at least) and two of them are walk in. I'm starting to think I may need to go buy more clothes. Unfortunately, now that I am on my own I have to watch the budget. :(
As soon as I get the keys I will take some before photos and some after ones once I've decorated it. Pray to the moving GODS that my wonderful green couch fits in the door. Id be really sad if it didn't. I've already told my boyfriend that if it does not that he must keep it in his basement for me until I have a place big enough or I move in. Which brings me slightly off topic... I've never had a guy so willing to commit. Its almost unreal. He really wants me to move in to his house with him, but I respectfully declined and explained that as tempting as that would be, this is something that I need to do for me. I'd regret it if I never lived on my own. Besides, its only a year and we still have a lot of relationship to build before we share a roof.
Til next time!
Starting June 1st, I will be the sole occupant of a 1 Bedroom apartment! My very first, very own place! While I absolutely love my apartment now, 7th floor, lake view, lots of sun, balcony (ok now im sad), it's time that I have a place of my own. I've been on the receiving end of "roommate breakup" a few times, but it was a lot harder than I thought. How do I tell someone that I am moving out with out hurting their feelings, or will they even care? Well, turns out she kinda saw it coming and we opened a bottle of Beujolais and went on with our evening.
My roommate is a night owl and while I like to go out and have a good time, I find myself craving sleep more. I could be unrealistic and whine that it is all her fault, that she's inconsiderate, but in truth, we are just two different. I can't expect her to go to bed and not watch TV til 2am because its the only time she has, but she can't expect me to continue to live in a place where I can't get a decent nights' sleep.
Another, slightly further from the point, reason is the possibility of living with a guy in the near future. I have always said that no matter what if I am ever going to move in with a boyfriend, fiance, whatever, that I MUST live alone first. My Dad and I were discussing this over the phone the other day and he was very excited about my new place and agreed that living completely on your own is necessary for some people and is kinda of a self discovery sort of venture.
Back to the new place - while it is not nearly as light and beautiful as the place I live now I am quite excited about one thing, ok two things... a kitchen that will allow me to cook with out running out of places to put things. A medium size kitchen table will fit too! AND, what this place lacks in sq. footage and sun light it makes up for in closet space. This place has 4 or 5 closets (at least) and two of them are walk in. I'm starting to think I may need to go buy more clothes. Unfortunately, now that I am on my own I have to watch the budget. :(
As soon as I get the keys I will take some before photos and some after ones once I've decorated it. Pray to the moving GODS that my wonderful green couch fits in the door. Id be really sad if it didn't. I've already told my boyfriend that if it does not that he must keep it in his basement for me until I have a place big enough or I move in. Which brings me slightly off topic... I've never had a guy so willing to commit. Its almost unreal. He really wants me to move in to his house with him, but I respectfully declined and explained that as tempting as that would be, this is something that I need to do for me. I'd regret it if I never lived on my own. Besides, its only a year and we still have a lot of relationship to build before we share a roof.
Til next time!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Out like a Lamb my Ass!
I guess its hardly half way through March, but honestly Spring, where are you??? I am so sick of this weather. Its like the season that couldn't. Well, despite the weather, spring is supposed to be a time for renewal and fresh starts (or is that New Years?) well, anyway... When I think about the person I was this time last year and I think about the person I am now... whoa! We've come a long way baby.
No more pitty parties, no more wallowing, no more blah blah blah. Just me and my life. Its been this way for awhile, but winter had me living my life in the warm cozy comfort of my apartment & now I'm ready to shed the sweats and hit the ground running. Speaking of running....
This May, 1 week after my 25th Birthday, I will be running my first ever 1/2 Marathon in Madison I've always enjoyed running (i use the term enjoy very loosely) but never thought I could run 13.1 miles. My boyfriend is running the full..no thanks... and around January he said hey you want to do it with me? I replied that I simply feel that I haven't the mentality to run 26.2 miles, forget the physical aspect. So I compromised on the 1/2. So we shall see.
Training has been under way for a few months and I am up to 18 miles a week with my long runs at 8 miles. If youre thinking of doing your own and don't know where to start, I highly highly reccommend Runner's World. You can even go to their SmartCoach and it will map out a traning program for you. If anything its a great way to get your ass in shape. Trust me!! You'll think about that 3rd 4th and 5th cocktail on Saturday night when you have a 90min run ahead of you the next day.
In other new beginning news, thanks to a jerky assmonkey theif, I had to get ALL new credit cards, IDs, checking account, you name it. As much of a pain in the ass it was, it was kinda nice to start from scratch. AND I got to sneak out of work early a couple days to "take care of stuff." Thats always nice. But, MR/MRS Thief whoever you are, you suck. And I want my wallet back, I liked that wallet.
Well, the laundry is done so I'd better go put on fresh sheets and head to bed. Run run run in the morning. Perhaps the weather Gods will grant me with some mild weather.
Until then!!! Think Spring (or better yet, Summer!!)
No more pitty parties, no more wallowing, no more blah blah blah. Just me and my life. Its been this way for awhile, but winter had me living my life in the warm cozy comfort of my apartment & now I'm ready to shed the sweats and hit the ground running. Speaking of running....
This May, 1 week after my 25th Birthday, I will be running my first ever 1/2 Marathon in Madison I've always enjoyed running (i use the term enjoy very loosely) but never thought I could run 13.1 miles. My boyfriend is running the full..no thanks... and around January he said hey you want to do it with me? I replied that I simply feel that I haven't the mentality to run 26.2 miles, forget the physical aspect. So I compromised on the 1/2. So we shall see.
Training has been under way for a few months and I am up to 18 miles a week with my long runs at 8 miles. If youre thinking of doing your own and don't know where to start, I highly highly reccommend Runner's World. You can even go to their SmartCoach and it will map out a traning program for you. If anything its a great way to get your ass in shape. Trust me!! You'll think about that 3rd 4th and 5th cocktail on Saturday night when you have a 90min run ahead of you the next day.
In other new beginning news, thanks to a jerky assmonkey theif, I had to get ALL new credit cards, IDs, checking account, you name it. As much of a pain in the ass it was, it was kinda nice to start from scratch. AND I got to sneak out of work early a couple days to "take care of stuff." Thats always nice. But, MR/MRS Thief whoever you are, you suck. And I want my wallet back, I liked that wallet.
Well, the laundry is done so I'd better go put on fresh sheets and head to bed. Run run run in the morning. Perhaps the weather Gods will grant me with some mild weather.
Until then!!! Think Spring (or better yet, Summer!!)
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Deja Vu
Do you ever want to just stay in bed, curled up under the covers, snuggling up with someone and let the day slip away? Right now, I think that is what I'd very much like to do.
I have this overwhelming sense of doom hanging over my head at the moment, cant really say why I guess & my stomach is all fluttery. I think the only thing that will fix this is to be in bed as the little spoon.
Or shoe shopping,wine & pasta - sometimes that helps too.
I have this overwhelming sense of doom hanging over my head at the moment, cant really say why I guess & my stomach is all fluttery. I think the only thing that will fix this is to be in bed as the little spoon.
Or shoe shopping,wine & pasta - sometimes that helps too.
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